Dear V

Here the other day, I told someone about you. I know that was breaking our promise but it felt like it was important that she'd know. And in some way it brought you back just a little. Like you started showing up sometimes now. Just for a moment or two every day. I really do miss you, I have to admit. Shedding you was an important part of growing up for me but I think, now, the reasonable thing would be to allow you back into my life. You are part of my identity and you taught me quite a few things about myself and I never really got around to thanking you, since you had to go away all of a sudden. But I'm glad you're back, if only perhaps for a short while. I'm not ashamed of you anymore, like I used to be. It felt like cheating, y'know, it felt like I was cutting corners when you were around. A different kind of life-hack. But I really want you to come back. You don't have to do things for me anymore, I won't demand anything, I just want you around because I think you're helping me stay focused. You're a better person than I am, despite your flaws. And maybe you need to stick around for a bit to teach me how you manage your flaws. How you turn them to your advantage. I won't try and force you to stay. Well, okay, maybe I will try. But you'll have it your way if I know you as well as I think I do. And I ought to. We're the same person.

Gilbert: Did you ever see a beached whale on television?
Becky: Yeah.
Gilbert: Yeah. That's her. That's my mom. 

Mainstream, superficial and retarded post

There's that scenario that you see in movies which also happens all the time in real life. It does, hell, it even happened to me so I would know. It's that thing when you meet someone, this wonderful person, smart, funny, kind, good-looking, all over just wonderful, you fall completely flat for them and then of course - they're gay. You hear girls complain about it all the time, especially when they've found some actor or model or the like, that the perfect man is always gay. Obviously though, because the perfect man is always that sensitive, wobbly, soft guy with overly cared-for hair and a love for animals. Girly stuff. Girls want girly men. All those girls that have that close gay friend, they all secretly want him. Probably because they can't have him. And if you haven't got a friend who's recently posted a Facebook status complaining about the perfect man being gay, you've surely seen it in the movies - it's a cliché. But it's a cliché that is just as lame when it happens in real life and that's why it lives. What came to mind today though was: I wonder if it's sometimes the other way around too? Do men ever meet the perfect woman and then she turns out to be a lesbian? The scenario seems far less likely but nonetheless possible and that's when I thought: I wonder if I have ever been that girl. Not at all that I think of myself as the perfect woman, far from, but seeing as I have almost exclusively male friends who enjoy my company when doing and talking about boyish things (video games, mostly), might one of them ever have thought "This girl has all the same interests as me, same sense of humor, so on so forth" (let's leave out the part about being good looking), but then having been smacked in the face with "oh but of course she's a lesbian". Realistically it's not completely unlikely. And I have had boyfriends so it's not like guys have been totally ignorant to the possibility of me being their girlfriend. At least not those guys. It's not that it really matters, it was just something that crossed my mind the other day and I felt like putting it into words. Just a thought. A self-centered little thought. A what if. I'll never know. 

Can I stay with you forever?

Yesterday I had agreed to meet up with my mother at the grocery store because she finds it unfair if she has to both go grocery shopping and cook alone - which is fair enough. She had been up working out as she does a few times a week and I just came home from work, so we had agreed to just meet at the store. My flag hung a little low that day, there was nothing wrong in particular, I just wasn't at the top of my game. She had obviously arrived before me and I knew she'd be inside already. She's not at all had to spot, sticking up between the aisles with her blonde hair. I saw her from the fruits and vegetables section through the window the separates the cool area from the rest of the store and it seemed odd to me that I waved at her but she didn't wave back, it just looked like she smiled faintly at me. I turned a corner and headed down the aisle of which she stood in the other end and as I approached her, I noticed that her face was somewhat different than usual. Perhaps the colour was a bit off its regular... but suddenly I was close enough to see that her eyes were filled with tears that began rolling down her face as she opened her arms and pulled me into one of those warm, tight hugs you only rarely get. "I was suddenly just so happy to see you. I'm just so happy you're my daughter" she mumbled at me. She had caught me completely off guard in the middle of the grocery store, so off guard that even though I wanted to say something nice, it came out as "Awh mom, stop that..." in a regretfully condescendingly pathetic kind of way. It was just so... out of nowhere. I'll have to remember to tell her that I love her someday soon.

Caden Cotart: I don't think you should tell her she doesn't have blood...

It'll make sense tomorrow

Let's pop another blog post just because I am feeling genuinely happy and content right now and I don't know when that feeling will come around again [whine whine, desperate meta meta]. Fuck it. Let's jot down a few happy thoughts before they slip, nothing artistic, just basic thoughts. I got a compliment today from a dear friend slightly out of nowhere and I'm glad it wasn't delivered in person because I caught a glimpse of my face in my mirror across the room and it was bright red. So just jotting it down here - warmest feeling I've had in a long time. On another positive note, whatever I may have formerly expressed about the new Skyrim add on Hearthfire, I'm really excited about it. Whatever new for Skyrim is great for me. Just great. Following up on that, I've been thinking a lot about getting tattooed lately and I thought, what more suitable than the Skyrim logo? I mean hey, it's Skyrim, it's a dragon, it's gaming, it's grand. So yeah. Considering that. As my job goes, the owner of the shop, I think, is slowly realizing that opening an ice cream shop in mid August wasn't the best idea because we have just around three-four-five costumers per day and he is just losing money on having it. Today I had one - one - costumer in six hours. It is difficult as hell to look like you're doing something productive for six hours when you only spent about five minutes scooping ice cream. I'm just hoping that when he makes the cuts, I won't be the first to go. But back on the positives: I attended the massive Coldplay concert yesterday. Not because I really like Coldplay but because my dad had a ticket and it was free so why the fuck not? And really, even though I can only sing along to two-three songs, it was all worth going alone to experience the show. There was just bright lights and giant glowing balloons and confetti and fireworks everywhere. Everyone wore these wristbands that would then light up during the show in different colours. That's 40000 people each with a bright light attached to them. It was honestly breathtaking. So thanks to dad for that one. Back on the meta plan, this feels like writing a damn diary. Which it kinda is. 4pi3jtefoij4qrwek. Noone cares. Well. That was just emptying my head a tad. Thanks to Jack for a mention and three great hours, robbing me off my sleep. Thanks to Alexander for that damn compliment, man. That is just so okay. HNNNNG. Thank to, by the way, Amanda for telling me when to shut up and go home at the right time. Thanks to my mom for giving birt- okay, stop it now. Just stop.

NERDgaSM

So I'm on the live chat with 1200 other biches, desperately tweeting @jacksfilms to get my little touch of my pt. greatest inspiration. 10 minutes or so into the chat, he goes "My mom think's you're handsome" and my heart stops. My tweet. "Says Arhren-ahrern-ze Andersen on Twitter, thank you, appreciate it". Heart still stopped. I've hung around online for three hours, chat still going, heart still isn't. I'll be able to live on this high for days, weeks. Six weeks. Till my Tobuscus hoodie arrives. I feel like such a YouTube whore. But I am. But it's not a bad thing. It's what makes me happy really. It's one of the few things that get me excited lately. YouTubers talking about... themselves. And their stuff. Being hilarious. And I get awfully excited about shit that doesn't matter but at least I can keep a conversation going with my little brother. And I'll stay up all night and drool over these live chats and nerdgasm over hearing my own name. It's okay, I reassure myself. It's okay. It makes you happy. And if it helps anything - nobody reads your blog or cares either way.

Don Draper: Let me ask you something: What do women want?
Roger Sterling: Who cares?